I fear that I might waste another vacation on doing nothing. I woke up at 11:30AM today (for the past three days straight), and I suddenly thought of being abroad. My ex is going abroad, so sometimes I think back on my own experiences and fondly remember it. On most of my memories, I don’t think about the bad experiences, only the good ones.The problem is, I remember all the times I slacked off, and there were a few occasions that I wish I had taken the chance on something … something big. Yet, I hadn’t and I sit here today with nothing different, nothing changed.

“Nothing ventured, nothing gained.” The worst part is I untagged so many photos in Facebook. If I had those, I could at least go back and look at them.

I’m contemplating a policy where I don’t use the Internet on weekends. My life is too digital, too online, and I’m not sure how that affects my interpersonal relationship skills.

I also can’t believe I’ve missed posting for two days! I was hoping to be able to write a new post everyday. It helps out my sanity.

This post goes out to those who have chased their interests passionately and created reality from their dreams.

Since the last few weeks, I’ve been obsessed with the idea of passion. A lot of it has been due to James Cameron. A few months back, I read an amazing article in the New Yorker about the famous director himself. It may have been biased, but it was wonderful in its praise, and astonishing to read Cameron’s might. The director’s latest movie, Avatar, is a movie that is fourteen years in the making. I can’t even imagine what I could produce in fourteen years! Long story short, I’ve been waiting for Avatar for almost six months. Flash forward to December 18th, and I miss the chance to really see it. I wanted to see it so much, I told my ex that I would see it without her. She was a little furious that I would spend our last few minutes that we had in a movie. (She was going abroad and lived out of state). Ultimately, I missed the chance to see it.

Fast forward to Wednesday, one of my friends gets tickets to the IMAX showing of Avatar at 12:30PM. I’m excited. Crazy excited. I wake up in the morning thinking Avatar. Avatar. I brush my teeth thinking … Avatar, Avatar. Yet, something happens. One of my friends is late, another is delayed, etc, etc, bullshitetc, bullshitetc, and we arrive in the movie 30 minutes late. The only seats open are those are front row. I am livid. I want to destroy an IMAX-size version of my late friends. I sit in the front row, with poor seats, and I start thinking about the movie. The graphics are intense, but at the same time, there is a deep flaw. I can tell how sitting in the front row has changed all the dynamics. Nothing was appearing as it was supposed to. The people sitting in the middle of the theater had oohhhs and ahhhhs. I had a grayer version of a movie that looked like someone had grabbed a video camera and recorded it him/herself.

And I sit and think … James Cameron spent fourteen years of his life on one project. One single project. The passion that engulfed him to continue on not just the bad days, but the miserable days, that’s what was astonishing! I thought about the people I generally hang out when I saw the unbelievable attention to detail of a simple alien flower.

When I think about my friends who are passionate about life, I can’t think of anyone. I really can’t. And that bothers me, because I don’t think I’m passionate about anything either. I want to be. I want to be passionate about self-improvement, but it’s a long way of dreaming about improvement than being relentless about improvement.

I wrote this today, because I was staring at photos of the LHC. The unmistakable passion that had to have been felt in each one of these mini-projects to develop this mammoth undertaking. That’s unbelievable.I want to be in an undertaking that fuels me. Lets me be relentless. Lets me chase after perfection. Never willing to stop. Never letting failure faze me. Never giving up.

Daily Tasks:
Study for GMATs
Study for Arabic
Manage Procrastination

Monthly Goals:
Take GMATs
Decide either CFA Exam or more Finance classes

I have to better manage myself. My desktop background is actually a quote that says, *He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still. (Lao Tzu)* It’s difficult for me to always find the most productive task to do at that time. I’ve mentioned this before to my friends, I procrastinate sometimes by cleaning. As a result, before a big exam, I might find myself with the cleanest room. As I write this and think about studying for GMATs, there are sudden curtains to fold, things to brush, trash to empty, etc.

He who controls himself … if only.

It is difficult for me to write about myself coherently. I go through many moods and have many fleeting passions and goals. I get jealous and envious of those who have accomplished a lot. I am motivated by jealously, until motivation dissipates quickly. I’m a roller coaster of work-ethic. I’ll have periods where I’m incredibly diligent (working fifteen hours a day on a project) to a period where I am just comfortable sitting and sleeping an entire day. In short, I doubt anyone understands me, because I don’t quite understand myself.

This post, after deleting all the previous ones before it, is about my year of the failure. I was really burned out at the end of 2008, and I adopted a nasty habit of playing video games (namely, one). I’ve flirted with the nasty obsession that is Warcraft 3 before, but this time I got really hooked onto “Footmen Frenzy 5.4,” a game ages old, but yet provided an escape for reality. The problem with video games is, even when you get good at it, it doesn’t always give you more enjoyment in life. The simple sound from a video games that details you’ve “leveled” up is an addicting feeling …. because it’s so much easier to improve in a video game than in life. I tried to escape the game, but I kept on going back to it.

I put a lot of my life’s dreams and goals in 2009. I wanted to learn Arabic (I did not), I wanted to be phenomenal in Finance (I improved, but not as much as I liked), I wanted to write Iphone Apps, sell them, and be wealthy (I never wrote one app), and I wanted to make long lasting friendships with new people (also, a miserable failure). To this day, procrastination hurts and cuts me deeper than I’ve imagined. I learned that I’m not as smart as I thought I was, and that there is no secret escape to putting in the hours to master any topic. In years before, I was able to coast to do well in class, this year was a painful reminder that not all things are easy. Life has been kind to me, and it feels almost-silly to sit and complain about how difficult times can be, but I also realized this year that life will catch up to me. Hiding behind witty banter will not always mask ignorance or let me feign expertise in any subject matter. Although it hurts, the majority of people are average. There is nothing to hint that I’m outside of the majority.

I’ve made some insight into my psyche. I expect too much of what I can do in a limited amount of time. It allows me to feel that I can procrastinate, because I always feel that I’ll be able to pull it off. It’s a serious problem that will continue to plague me if I don’t fix it now. I dream and expect too much of my self and then don’t put the work effort back in. My GPA has tanked from a 3.84 to a 3.6. It’s still moderately high, just not as impressive as it once was. I’m too ambitious to live that down. It gnaws at me daily.

But, I do have to accept that with all the failures and shortcomings that I have made, life allows me to move forward. I can fix this shortcoming of a year (thankfully, it’s not too late), but will require serious time and effort. I can’t coast anymore, and I need to sit down and really find passion in self-improvement.