My dad always wonders where the time went by. He’s 60 now. It’s depressing to me. I feel that sometimes he expected a little bit more out of life. I can’t even imagine if I was 60 without all the accomplishments that I want what I would be like. Would I even be happy?

I don’t really live with myself all too well these days. I find that work is really the best way for me to get my mind off of much of the stress that consumes me. Now, this isn’t to be an all-out depressing topic, but sometimes I feel a bit empty. This doesn’t portray me very well, but I don’t have much friends at all. I have people who consider them as friends of mine … but it’s a bit one-sided. It’s because I’m so quirky, off, weird, quirky again … that I can’t relate to people. I finished revising my resume today (and boy did that need a lot of help), and as I jogged down hobbies … I realized I could practically write pages and pages of hobbies. I don’t really sit down well with one or two topics. Jack of all trades .. that quote was really meant for me. I don’t know anyone whose interests really are as diverse as mine. As a result, my closest friend is probably my roommate, and that’s generous. I am awfully brutal to my roommate and do not mince words when I think he has messed up. I would only ask the same in return. Unfortunately, he does not listen to me much, which makes it painful for me to watch him repeat mistakes. (Or a delight to throw a emotionless face that really reeks of “I-told-you-so”). Without sounding like an over arrogant pompous ass (which this will), I want to be around people that make me feel the need to constantly self-improve. You are the average of your five closest friends … what if you don’t have five close friends? You are nothing. And that is depressing. Thank god I have 617 friends on a deactivated Facebook. Power of networks can shove it.

I’m consuming a lot of reading recently — namely Mastery by George Leonard, which really tells me to sit down and have patience, destroy Facebook, eliminate Youtube, and sit in a well-light corner to get things done. I’m also reading When Genius Failed – Rise and Fall of Long Term Capital Management – which I absolutely love as a book. I’ve been reading it at the gym a lot, which is bad, because I will take reading-rest periods longer than it takes to finish two sets.

I still procrastinate from time to time, which makes me sad, because I don’t have a correct gauge on how much I have actually worked in a day. There will be days when I work on something for almost 12-13 hours, and I still feel like I’ve only done thirty minutes worth. (I realized this as I adopted a few Akudo methods, namely one being the 25min burst, 5 minute break).

-  I’ve also realized I’ll never be happy or marry. (Readers, they do not go hand-in-hand).
-  I’ve realized I should stop giving my roommate any advice. He heeds almost nothing. It’s not in a bad way, he lives in his own world, I live in mine.
- I realized I should avoid my roommate and his gf. He is awfully kind to her, which annoys me because I think he should have some masculinity in his relationship. Then again, he informs me I am an asshole (true statement).
- I realized I cannot use Youtube correctly. I need to eliminate it from my life.
- I realized I should give my Ipod away … I cannot use it correctly either and find myself listening to Lady Gaga at embarrassing points in the gym.
- I realized I cannot understand if people at the gym are staring at me because I am gifted at moving heavy objects, or gifted at listening to Lady Gaga at loud decibels. (I am not kidding on either points.)
- I realized as I counted the amount of supplements I take in a day, I may have a problem. But this is what all relentless individuals face … the never ending thirst to better than thy neighbor.
- I realized that one of the drugs I take makes music sound almost five times better. That means Lady Gaga’s Telephone sounds fucking amazing.
- I realized that I should have talked to the hot Korean girl the other night, and instead my inability to notice details when nervous will be costly in the future.
- I realized that procrastinating is the worst sin in life. Second up, comes paying for procrastination of others through taxes.
- I realized the stress of not having a job is not really whats killing me, its the fear of living at home, and thus the inability to meet more Harvard girls.
- I realized that writing this is awfully soothing.
- I realized that the only thing that will release stress is actually doing more work.
- I realized that I don’t watch TV or movies anymore.
- I realized that Warcraft gives me no enjoyment whatsoever anymore. Instead, I play in a state of panic as I worry about the other shit left undone.
- I realized that if I continue the rate of progress I am going through now, life will be awesome from the ages of 25-40. It will go downhill at 40, because I am pretty sure I will still not believe in marriage. I will also have adopted a child, or fostered a bastard by then to appease the parents. If not, I will steal the smartest Asian kid I know and name him Jeff Shek Junior.
- I realized that my mother has paid a lot for the most odd knowledge skill-sets for her son at University. The best thing I learned in college was confidence, the worst I learned I was nothing. If you learn anything at all, it’s still improvement.

Judge me based on not what I say, but on what I do. I do wish I had been smarter with this years ago. I’m in a bit of a mess right now, trying to find jobs, prospective Harvard girlfriends, and managing my core activities of being an overall know-it-all.

Due to some unknown circumstances, either HP’s or mine, I have lost all the files on my laptop. I am now missing almost 7/8ths of almost two years of work. Perhaps in some ways this is good to start anew. This makes me think a lot of about how many of the many files I’ve lost were useless .. and what I really need. Granted, I lost a lot of important files in this process, but I’m praying that this is a blessing in disguise.

It’s oddly amusing, but last year when I purchased an Intel SSD, I thought that was my chance to start anew. I promised that after making such an expensive purchase, I would make better habits. Of course, I didn’t, but maybe this is God wanting me to be smarter about my life.

Reverse motivation. I don’t get motivated as much by optimistic stories as I do by sadistic ones. Stories about a poor rural student from China that makes it to prestigious institutions doesn’t carry as much weight as seeing my unemployed friends from last year. I’m fucked up like that. Really I am. Girls that have flaked on dates have caused me more stress than failing a class.

I’m been thinking a lot about this week. The only thing that I can possibly learn from all of this is that each minute I delay, is another minute that I have to pay for in retribution. I’ve wanted to get this Arabic text as a tattoo  on my back for a while now, “redemption through persistence”. I was inspired by it when I read an article about a Iraqi Veteran that was now enrolled at Stanford with the script(?) “redemption through courage” on his back. It is only fitting that as the world and the cliche assholes all get Chinese characters stamped on his/her back, arm, or wherever, I would want something as far away from Chinese culture as possible.

Time is too short to waste, and I already have wasted enough of it. I have enough bad habits to break, enough habits to cultivate, that I can no longer maintain the presence of being in control of my life. Peace and meditation. Control and perseverance. Motivation and control.

It is iconic in many ways that I begin this semester like this. Aside from my parents, and no one else, most people have failed on me on things that are important to me. Even … if sometimes I emphasize it. I was clear to my roommate how I wanted to make sure when I moved back in on Sunday his girlfriend was not there for just a few hours. And as all promises are made, some are kept, and others are shattered. Perhaps this is my fault, to some extent, to be blind and trusting, but nevertheless the rage that I kept hidden was an encompassing black hole of emotion.

As I moved back into the dorm today, I noticed a lot of things that were off. I noticed a lot of things that I’ve messed up on. I see a lot of notebooks, manuals, and textbooks left unread. Arabic books left unwritten. Promises to myself left undone. As the last semester of my University, I want to be upbeat. I shouldn’t be caught up in minor stupid things, but dear diary … I am not like that.

In many ways, I begin to remotely understand my Dad. The apple does not fall far from the tree. As a saying goes to a certain type of dream universities (these students are the Ivy Leagues that are lazy, notably … Tufts, BC and Georgetown). My dad is perhaps such a sign of that. He dreams a lot, as do I, but when the time gets tough, and when things get difficult … he bails. I try to motivate myself with simple things, stupid unnecessary quotes like “Do not give up; the beginning is always the hardest,” but it’s a hell lot harder said than done. As my breaks end, I walk back in to see things left incomplete. The vacation remains over, the fog of the dream is no longer a fog … and it remains clear the enormity and daunting task of meeting my motivations and aspirations to do something with my life.

New Years Resolutions have been difficult to maintain. I’ve been trying to put this excess want to just watch TV and move around into studying for my GMATs, but it has not been easy in any way.

I’ve been worried about employment, and my parents are really starting to get ansy (I understand their predicament). Hoping to take the GMATs soon. I’m still trying to cut down on all things that definitely waste my time, but it’s difficult to do.

I read something about how Kobe trains six hours a day today. I found that amazing. I wish I could do that.

Not much. Very simple actually.

No video games or TV.

I fear that I might waste another vacation on doing nothing. I woke up at 11:30AM today (for the past three days straight), and I suddenly thought of being abroad. My ex is going abroad, so sometimes I think back on my own experiences and fondly remember it. On most of my memories, I don’t think about the bad experiences, only the good ones.The problem is, I remember all the times I slacked off, and there were a few occasions that I wish I had taken the chance on something … something big. Yet, I hadn’t and I sit here today with nothing different, nothing changed.

“Nothing ventured, nothing gained.” The worst part is I untagged so many photos in Facebook. If I had those, I could at least go back and look at them.

I’m contemplating a policy where I don’t use the Internet on weekends. My life is too digital, too online, and I’m not sure how that affects my interpersonal relationship skills.

I also can’t believe I’ve missed posting for two days! I was hoping to be able to write a new post everyday. It helps out my sanity.

This post goes out to those who have chased their interests passionately and created reality from their dreams.

Since the last few weeks, I’ve been obsessed with the idea of passion. A lot of it has been due to James Cameron. A few months back, I read an amazing article in the New Yorker about the famous director himself. It may have been biased, but it was wonderful in its praise, and astonishing to read Cameron’s might. The director’s latest movie, Avatar, is a movie that is fourteen years in the making. I can’t even imagine what I could produce in fourteen years! Long story short, I’ve been waiting for Avatar for almost six months. Flash forward to December 18th, and I miss the chance to really see it. I wanted to see it so much, I told my ex that I would see it without her. She was a little furious that I would spend our last few minutes that we had in a movie. (She was going abroad and lived out of state). Ultimately, I missed the chance to see it.

Fast forward to Wednesday, one of my friends gets tickets to the IMAX showing of Avatar at 12:30PM. I’m excited. Crazy excited. I wake up in the morning thinking Avatar. Avatar. I brush my teeth thinking … Avatar, Avatar. Yet, something happens. One of my friends is late, another is delayed, etc, etc, bullshitetc, bullshitetc, and we arrive in the movie 30 minutes late. The only seats open are those are front row. I am livid. I want to destroy an IMAX-size version of my late friends. I sit in the front row, with poor seats, and I start thinking about the movie. The graphics are intense, but at the same time, there is a deep flaw. I can tell how sitting in the front row has changed all the dynamics. Nothing was appearing as it was supposed to. The people sitting in the middle of the theater had oohhhs and ahhhhs. I had a grayer version of a movie that looked like someone had grabbed a video camera and recorded it him/herself.

And I sit and think … James Cameron spent fourteen years of his life on one project. One single project. The passion that engulfed him to continue on not just the bad days, but the miserable days, that’s what was astonishing! I thought about the people I generally hang out when I saw the unbelievable attention to detail of a simple alien flower.

When I think about my friends who are passionate about life, I can’t think of anyone. I really can’t. And that bothers me, because I don’t think I’m passionate about anything either. I want to be. I want to be passionate about self-improvement, but it’s a long way of dreaming about improvement than being relentless about improvement.

I wrote this today, because I was staring at photos of the LHC. The unmistakable passion that had to have been felt in each one of these mini-projects to develop this mammoth undertaking. That’s unbelievable.I want to be in an undertaking that fuels me. Lets me be relentless. Lets me chase after perfection. Never willing to stop. Never letting failure faze me. Never giving up.

Daily Tasks:
Study for GMATs
Study for Arabic
Manage Procrastination

Monthly Goals:
Take GMATs
Decide either CFA Exam or more Finance classes

I have to better manage myself. My desktop background is actually a quote that says, *He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still. (Lao Tzu)* It’s difficult for me to always find the most productive task to do at that time. I’ve mentioned this before to my friends, I procrastinate sometimes by cleaning. As a result, before a big exam, I might find myself with the cleanest room. As I write this and think about studying for GMATs, there are sudden curtains to fold, things to brush, trash to empty, etc.

He who controls himself … if only.